About Me:

Aloha! I'm Wendy Kennar. I'm the mother of a seven-year-old son and a wife living in Los Angeles. I was a public school teacher for twelve years until a chronic medical condition made it necessary to leave my teaching career.

I've always been described as "quiet" - really, I'm just biting my tongue. I've got lots to say, and lots of thoughts to share, I just prefer to write them. That's the purpose of this blog. Each Wednesday, I post a personal essay offering my observations and thoughts.

A few fun facts about me: I've wanted to be a writer since second grade, when my teacher, Mrs. Jones, made me a "book" with a yellow construction paper cover. I have never learned to whistle, have always preferred sunflowers to roses, and have spent my life living within the same zip code.

Through the years, my writing has been published in the Los Angeles Times, Christian Science Monitor, United Teacher, GreenPrints, L.A. Parent, DivineCaroline.com, RoleReboot.org, XOJane, and Brain, Child Magazine. Additionally, my personal essays have been included in several anthologies, including: The Barefoot Review, Beyond the Diaper Bag, Lessons From My Parents, Write for Light, Being a Grown-Up: A User's Manual for the Real World, Ka-Pow!, How Writing Can Get You Through Tough Times, Breath and Shadow, The Grey Wolfe Storybook, and Sisters Born, Sisters Found.
I am a regular contributor at MomsLA.com, and you can also find me at Goodreads.

Thanks for stopping by and reading my blog. Feel free to comment and share my blog with others!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Cry for Help

To the Powers That Be:
   I need help.  I’m tired of hurting.  Tired of this “undiagnosed medical condition” ravaging my body.  It’s spreading, and I really don’t know how much longer my body can hold on.  
   First my legs.  Now my arms.  Extending down from my fingers and into my toes.
   And there’s the other kind of hurt.  The hurt in my head, the hurt in my heart.  The hurt that comes from relationships not going well, or not going at all.  Relationships that have fizzled away like the bubbles in a cup of soda.
   The self-inflicted hurt, because I know I’m not being entirely true to myself.  And yet, I’m not doing anything about it.  I’m too scared to make the changes I should make.  And so, I suffer and I hurt. 

   I fear the breaking point.  I fear the point where I’ll be down on the floor, building a puzzle with Ryan, and won’t be able to get back up.  I fear the time when I’ll be driving and be unable to maneuver the steering wheel.  Fear the moment when a student will call my name one time too many, and I’ll crack.  What happens then?  I am the person who holds it all together for so many, while inside, my shell is slowly cracking.
   Please, help me.  If this medical condition is your way of telling me to leave my job, I’ll do it.  Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that causes so many of my relationships to fade away?  What should I be doing differently?  How have things gotten to this point?

   I need help, and I’m asking for it.
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6 comments:

  1. Paul KennarOctober 12, 2011 at 10:08 PM

    Honey,

    I Love You! We are going to find out how to make you feel better soon!

    Love,

    Paul

    ReplyDelete
  2. VictoriaOctober 12, 2011 at 10:57 PM

    Wendy, I'm so sorry that it's come to this. I can't even imagine how bad it must be if you're posting something so personal like this. I know that it might be hard, but you need to think of yourself before others. Take time off of work, if you need to. IT'S NOT WORTH IT IF YOU ARE DESTROYING YOURSELF! Please, I love you, you're one of the most amazing women I know! Take care of yourself! I'm coming home in less than 2 weeks, we need to hug it out! I love you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. EvelynOctober 13, 2011 at 1:14 AM

    I feel for you, Wen. If I had a magic wand I'd make all your pain and suffering go away. I agree with, Victoria that you need to think about yourself and if that means not having to work then do it! Tend to yourself first! There are people that love and admire you, so we wouldn't hesitate to come help you out with anything you might need. You know our friendship will not fade away. We'll be little old ladies that will still be great friends. ;-) Please take care!

    ReplyDelete
  4. honey7214October 13, 2011 at 4:11 AM

    It kills me so to see you in so much pain.You are a person who certainly never should experience any kind of pain.You are so remarkable with all the pain you are in and how you keep on going.You need to start taking time for you and not just giving to others.I am so sorry some of the people who you have been so good to have turned out to be so untrue to you but all I can say is it is their loss if they have faded out of your life.I hope and pray you will soon be pain free.I LOVE YOU AND THANK GOD for you everyday.
    love,mommy

    ReplyDelete
  5. msfraseOctober 13, 2011 at 6:19 AM

    I feel frustrated that there is nothing I can do to help you. I don't understand why the Doctors have not helped you. Your are a gifted person and you have a delightful son. Like your Mother, I have prayed for you. Please don't get discouraged, I am waiting for the day when all these issues are in the past. Your Mother & I are proud of you.

    Love, Dad

    ReplyDelete
  6. MbdonatOctober 21, 2011 at 6:50 PM

    I love you. Keep fighting.. DO NOT GIVE UP!!! You can fight through this. You are one tough cookie. Think about when you gave birth to Ryan.. You fought through the pain and you gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Be strong but know it's okay to cry.
    Those who have left you or who have hurt you do not know what they are losing out on. You are an amazing friend, mother, wife and daughter. I am so proud of you. Take time off from work. They have medical leave..
    I love you..

    ReplyDelete

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