To the Powers That Be:
I need help. I’m tired of hurting. Tired of this “undiagnosed medical condition” ravaging my body. It’s spreading, and I really don’t know how much longer my body can hold on.
First my legs. Now my arms. Extending down from my fingers and into my toes.
And there’s the other kind of hurt. The hurt in my head, the hurt in my heart. The hurt that comes from relationships not going well, or not going at all. Relationships that have fizzled away like the bubbles in a cup of soda.
The self-inflicted hurt, because I know I’m not being entirely true to myself. And yet, I’m not doing anything about it. I’m too scared to make the changes I should make. And so, I suffer and I hurt.
I fear the breaking point. I fear the point where I’ll be down on the floor, building a puzzle with Ryan, and won’t be able to get back up. I fear the time when I’ll be driving and be unable to maneuver the steering wheel. Fear the moment when a student will call my name one time too many, and I’ll crack. What happens then? I am the person who holds it all together for so many, while inside, my shell is slowly cracking.
Please, help me. If this medical condition is your way of telling me to leave my job, I’ll do it. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me that causes so many of my relationships to fade away? What should I be doing differently? How have things gotten to this point?
I need help, and I’m asking for it.